How to Pray for People You Love

Let’s commit to be UNITED in prayer: up-to-date, nonstop, intentional, theological, exaltational, declared prayer instead of uninformed, now-and-then, incidental, trivial, egocentric, detached prayer.

Every newsbreak of another horrific act of terror or tragedy unleashes a fresh wave of angst and anger in our nation. My first impulse when these sorts of things happen is to lift up my heart to God and to pray. Even the simple and ancient prayer, “Kyrie, eleieson” “Lord, have mercy.” Many others respond in a similar way, to the point that the phrase “thoughts and prayers” has almost become a cliche in these sorts of circumstances. In response, many push back and say, “Your thoughts and prayers are useless. We need political action to stop this from happening.” 

I don’t get mad when someone says that they want action, rather than prayer. I don’t get mad, because I understand that there are many people who don’t believe that prayer matters. Many folks don’t look at the world and believe what I believe. To some, prayer is like bringing an empty squirt gun to a deadly and raging fire. There is no objective way to know if prayer actually works, if there’s a God who hears and responds us.

But this is true of all the most important things in life. How can I objectively prove to you that I love my wife? What would you take as evidence? You might say, “You speak kindly to her.” “You remain faithful to her.” “You do nice things for her.” With enough time, you would see the proof that I do love her, even if I can’t prove it like I can prove that 2+2=4. Pray is similar. I can’t prove to you that prayer matters, but I can tell you stories about things that have happened after I have prayed. I prayed for a girl to marry. I prayed for kids. I prayed to be able to become a pastor. I prayed to be able to plant a church. I prayed for others to help us plant the church. I prayed for God to provide funding for the church. You might say those are all coincidences, but they start to add up to a strong case in my own story that God is real and he hears my prayers.

My guess is that many of you are in a similar place. You believe that prayer is real and it matters. You want to have a vibrant life of prayer, and you want to effectively pray for (the $5 word is “intercede”) for people you care about. That said, if you’re honest, you probably are, underneath the surface, a little cynical; because you have prayed for lots of things, lots of times, and not seen anything happen. You probably don’t want to feel this way, and maybe you feel guilty about feeling this way. You’re also busy, you’re probably a little less disciplined than you should be, so prayer gets pushed to the edges. 

So how do we learn to pray?

We imitate those who have gone before us. We learn from the patterns of prayer in Scripture. We learn the Lord’s Prayer. We learn from the prayers that Paul includes in the front half of his letters to the churches he loved. One such pattern in Ephesians 1 can shape our prayer life. I like to think about this prayer with the acrostic UNITED. Each letter stands for one of six habits of transforming prayer, contrasted with six habits of ineffective prayer. 

Up-to-date instead of Uninformed

Paul is aware of the spiritual condition of these folks. He says, “I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints” (Eph 1:15). Are you aware of the spiritual condition of the people you love? Not just the situation, but where they are in their walk with Jesus. A healthy spiritual life is a life of faith and love. Active trust in Jesus and active love for fellow believers. Are they soaring or struggling? Do you need to send a text, make a call, schedule a coffee or lunch? 

Nonstop instead of Now-and-then

Paul he never stops giving thanks for the church (1:16). Nonstop “means that Paul did not forget the believers at his regular time of prayer” (Harold Hoehner)— “in his times of prayer, morning, noon, and evening (the customary three hours each day)” (Peter O’Brien). We are so busy, but we always make time for what’s really important. If streaming four episodes of The Office is important to you, you make time for it. If an extra 37 minutes of sleep is important, you sleep. If taking the kids to soccer is important, you do it. If getting to Bible study is important, you do it.

There have been seasons when I have prayed using index cards, a practice I learned from Paul Miller’s A Praying Life. I have a card for myself, for Laura, for our kids, for family, friends, church, larger organizations, elected officials, and so on. At other times, I have had an alarm scheduled for the time for each member of my family’s birthday (1:18pm for Livi, born January 18th, for example).

Paul never stops giving thanks. When was the last time you thanked God for the people you’re praying for? Are you more focused on the problems or the person? Maybe you need to start your time of prayer with a list of 10 things you’re thankful for, starting with the people God has gifted to you. 

Intentional instead of Incidental

Paul says, “I pray that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, would give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of him” (1:17). The word “that” is a statement of purpose or intent. Paul’s prayer is not merely incidental or reactive, based on things that arise along the way. He prays proactively. He has a plan and a purpose in prayer. Do you have a plan and purpose in prayer? Proper prior planning possibly prevents impoverished patterns of prayer. 

Theological instead of Trivial

Don’t get scared by the word “theological.” That just means the truth about God. It’s what the Bible teaches about God. Ephesians 1 shows us again that God is a Trinity. This is closely tied to the previous point, “Intentional.” Paul’s purpose is theological. Paul asks that God the Father in Christ would give the Spirit. Here’s a very simple, effective prayer for people you love. “Father, in Jesus’ name, fill them with your Spirit so they would know you, love you, trust you, and follow wherever you lead. Bless them and keep them, make your face to shine upon them. Be gracious to them and give them peace.” 

Too often our prayers are trivial. Don’t get me wrong, because God cares about the little stuff. But little stuff is little for a reason. God cares way more about the big stuff. He cares more about your spiritual health than your physical health. He cares more about your spiritual sight than your physical sight. He cares more about your treasure in heaven than your checking account. 

God wants to open the eyes of his children to what is already there for them.

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened so that you may know what is the hope of his calling, what is the wealth of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the mighty working of his strength. (1:18-19)

Bible scholar Gordon Fee explains that this is an increasing awareness and access to the Spirit that is already present in the Christian’s life and heart. Like money that is already in the account. There have been few times when someone has Venmo’ed me money, and I’ve forgotten about it. We’re going through life and paying bills, budgeting, all that stuff, and my life Laura will say, “We have $X for the next X amount of time.” Then comes the question, “Do you happen to have any money in Venmo you forgot to transfer?” Recently, this happened, and I realized that I had $752.58 in Venmo. It was there. It was mine. I had forgotten about it. I forgot I had access to it. I forgot I could transfer it into our main account. 

God has abundantly more than $700 worth of Spirit-filled blessing for you, but you’re sitting there pinching spiritual pennies, tightening your spiritual belt, living off the drips of spiritual inspiration you somehow received recently. Pray that he would give the Spirit to open our eyes to the fullness of what he wants to transfer into the account of our everyday life! Here in Ephesians 1: hope, riches, and power, just to name three off the top. (1) The hope of his calling means that he has called you out of darkness into his light. He has adopted you as his beloved child. We live in a cultural moment of such profound anxiety and fear, but of all people Christians should be people of hope. (2) The riches of his inheritance in the saints is talking about the fact that we are God’s inheritance. The reason God the Father sent God the Son was to adopt us as children and enjoy hanging out with us forever. He gets us, and he is thrilled about it! (3) The immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe is expressed ultimately in God’s resurrecting power of Jesus Christ from the dead.

Exalting Christ instead of Egocentric

Paul has moved from petition to praise, from asking God for stuff to exalting God:

He exercised this power in Christ by raising him from the dead and seating him at his right hand in the heavens—far above every ruler and authority, power and dominion, and every title given, not only in this age but also in the one to come. And he subjected everything under his feet and appointed him as head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of the one who fills all things in every way. (1:20-23)

Our prayer has so little power because we’re so often so egocentric. We’re focused on what we need for ourselves. Psychologists have shown that awe and wonder create noticeable and proveable improvements in mental health. We were designed to thunderstruck, to stand with our mouths agape. To be thrilled by beauty and greatness. Such longing in our hearts can be filled only by the transcendence of the Triune God. We were made to bless the Lord. We were made for wholehearted worship, for a blessed life of blessing the Blesser.

When was the last time your moment of prayer moved from being a personal shopping list to worship in God’s presence? When was the last time you buried your face in the carpet in the presence of the Lord? 

I’m not beating you down, because I’m there with you. These times are too few and too far between for me. I wish I could tell you I’m some kind of paragon of prayer, but I’m right there with the most mediocre of you. My solace is this: Jesus is my great high priest, praying for me. Where my mediocrity abounded, his majesty abounded so much more. And that makes me want to pray in a way that exalts Jesus more than it fills an egocentric shopping cart. I want this for my family, and I want this for our church. 

Declared instead of Detached

Jesus said to keep our prayer secret and pray before God alone, but he was addressing the sinful motivation of wanting others to think we’re great. Clearly, it’s not a sin to tell people you’re praying for them, because Paul does it all the time. The problem is that we’re often detached. We either tell people we’re praying for them, but then we don’t actually do it. Or we don’t pray for them at all. It’s better to pray for someone than not. It’s also important to share with people not just that you’re praying for them, but how. “I’m praying you’ll have a sense of the Lord’s presence.” We need to cultivate the types of communities where talking this way isn’t awkward or weird. Where we can talk about the weather and work and also the wonder of the gospel. 

So, let’s commit to be UNITED in prayer: Up-to-date, nonstop, intentional, theological, exaltational, declared prayer instead of uninformed, now-and-then, incidental, trivial, egocentric, detached prayer.